A brief period of not knowing . . .
In these uncertain times of a global pandemic, I take a look back at my experience of leaving home and moving countries. It was a state of liminality just like the whole world has been in for a lot longer than we imagined, and it has left us guessing and frustrated as we do not see the end to the pandemic anytime soon. Hope still keeps us going and we ought to fight our everyday struggle for better times to come!
Somehow in the midst of a dream, I found myself being consciously aware of the presence of my soul within a body that seems to be foreign as I suppose I am only borrowing it for this lifetime. This feeling startled me awake, and that restored me to normality which is a life that is really ever-changing even from the momentary feeling that is supposedly constant. Change is the only constant in life, and the brief period of liminality that occurs in every situation in life leaves one guessing, and that stirs up so many emotions that can spiral out of control at times.
As I packed my spices and masalas, I was caught in a momentary realization that this feeling was as exhilarating as loving someone new; different and exciting, scary yet adventurous, happy, but irresolute. Moving out to pursue further studies and a career thereafter, but mostly seeking to live independently was the goal I sought to achieve.
I moved to England, and the roller-coaster ride of my life began!
My initial memories are fun-filled with the excitement of sharing a room, making new friends, meeting people of different ethnic backgrounds, experiencing education in a vastly different manner, and so on. I explored my town, enjoyed the architecture that was ever so pleasing to the eye, clicked perfect pictures as there seemed to be scenic backgrounds everywhere, and even skipped down the streets of my accommodation for grocery shopping which otherwise felt like a mundane task.
The ride began to spiral downhill when I was struck with homesickness, claustrophobia, break up, and eventually the pandemic that had the whole world stuck in their homes. I felt completely out of place as I was compelled to come to terms with the situation that made me feel helpless and left me dazed. Life is so unpredictable that when you’re busy making plans, it has ways of showing you that you’re not the master of your own life.
Everyday tasks felt alarmingly hard to cope with, especially when you’re emotionally drained and struggle to find the strength to hold a grocery bag, or even eat a grain of rice. I felt isolated from myself, and that’s when I began to feel my thoughts getting louder and louder every passing day. I couldn’t express them, but I couldn’t hide from them. I wanted to be alone, but I also wanted people around me. I mostly wanted my family.
Everyone begins to advise you like they understand you, but you only take it from people you want to listen to and resent the rest that you cynically start to believe are only curious and not actually caring. Life seemed lonely with that attitude. I tried my best to head back home, but somehow the world kept pulling me back and I remained in England.
Life began to pick up again when I started to steer it in my direction which I did by changing my perspective of my predicament into an opportunity, although training your mind to perceive a situation optimistically is the hardest part of healing and moving on.
I made the most of my stay in England that seemed to be brief at that moment by working on my architecture portfolio, applying for jobs, researching architectural subjects, and working on my blog. I also made sure to relax by taking a walk, exploring the town, and going on dates. My roller-coaster ride began to spiral up, and I felt in control of my life once again. I landed a job and just being able to do that made me so productive and committed that I probably looked like the most ideal employee, which eventually helped establish my career in England.
I moved out to live alone, found an apartment that I loved, and struggled to rent it without a valid visa. I took care of myself and my expenses, coped with the lonely nights, but changing a burned-out light bulb that I couldn’t reach felt like the biggest achievement than even graduating with a master’s degree.
Life was good again!
Until my next ride downhill, I was happy within that brief period of liminality.
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